Confucius

Fine words and an insinuating appearance are seldom associated with true virtue
- Confucius

Johnny Rizzo

I got sexually desperate so I called one of those live sex numbers. I got a girl that stuttered. It cost me fifteen hundred bucks.
- Johnny Rizzo

George Carlin

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- George Carlin

Japanese Proverb

Beginning is easy - Continuing is hard.
- Japanese Proverb

Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
- Woody Allen

George Bernard Shaw

When a man wants to murder a tiger he calls it sport; when a tiger wants to murder him he calls it ferocity.
- George Bernard Shaw

Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and finally gave up. I asked her, "What, you can't think of anybody either?"
- Rodney Dangerfield

Laurence J. Peter

An intelligence test sometimes shows a man how smart he would have been not to have taken it.
- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)

Bill Cosby

I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love, just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't.
- Bill Cosby

Jack Benny

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
- Jack Benny

Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
- Groucho Marx

Doug Larson

A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.
- Doug Larson

Henrik Tikkanen

Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence.
- Henrik Tikkanen

Garry Shandling

I once made love for an hour and five minutes. It was on the day you push the clocks ahead.
- Garry Shandling

Ralph Waldo Emerson

A friend is one before whom I may think aloud.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

G. H. Hardy

It is not worth an intelligent man's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that.
- G. H. Hardy (1877 - 1947)

Rev. R. Walters

God will wait as long as it takes for us.
- Rev. R. Walters

Jef Mallett

An opinion should be the result of thought, not a substitute for it.
- Jef Mallett

Joan Rivers

Every woman must learn to fake orgasm. It's common courtesy.
- Joan Rivers

Samuel Johnson

Nothing will ever be attempted, if all possible objections must first be overcome.
- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784) English Author

David Seabury

Enthusiasm is the best protection in any situation. Wholeheartedness is contagious. Give yourself, if you wish to get others.
- David Seabury

Confucius

By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.
- Confucius

Emo Philips

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
- Emo Philips

P. J. O'Rourke

Guns are always the best method for a private suicide. They are more stylish looking than single-edged razor blades, and natural gas has got so expensive. Drugs are too chancy. You might miscalculate the dosage and just have a good time.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Albert Einstein

"Relativity applies to physics, not ethics"
- Albert Einstein

John Russell

Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.
- John Russell

Charles Darwin

If I had my life to live over again, I would have made a rule to read some poetry and listen to some music at least once a week.
- Charles Darwin

George Bernard Shaw

"God created us in His image, and we decided to return the favor."
- George Bernard Shaw

Billy Graham

You're born. You suffer. You die. Fortunately, there's a loophole.
- Billy Graham

Jack Handey

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
- Jack Handey

Mark Twain

Gratitude is a debt which usually goes on accumulating like blackmail; the more you pay, the more is exacted. In time, you are made to realize that the kindness done you is become a curse and you wish it had not happened.
- Mark Twain